Debut Novel: Incredible Violence

This is war.

On the planet Ilellus, there are no heroes. No hope. No comforts.

No main characters.

No conscientious objectors.

No men or women of resounding moral character ready to do the right thing against impossible odds.

No happy endings...

Its been five years since a mysterious fume wiped out most of the world's population, leaving humanity's numbers in the hundreds.

Now, only two groups of survivors remain: those immune to the effects of the fume, and those hiding from it deep underground, desperate to find the secrets of its origin.

Both groups are depraved.

Both are desperate.

Both are being manipulated by unknown forces.

Both are fucked and out for blood.

This is humanity's last chance.

On planet Ilellus, a reckoning is coming.

Panic accordingly.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GQYLYVSC?ref=sp_email#immersive-view_1772556704655

The Totally True Story Behind a Totally True Alien Encounter CAUGHT ON VIDEO!

No words could possibly ever express just how fucking true this story is. Let’s get started!

Imagine if you will: You're an alien from some far-off civilization that has mastered all the vast intricacies of interstellar travel.

You have a mission coning up that you've spent years planning.

Finally, you're ready.

You say goodbye to your loved ones. In your language it comes out as ‘blarg’ overlaid with the sound of someone fisting wet Play-Doh.

You slowly, apprehensively, turn your back on your wife, your children, all the while reminding yourself as you step forever from their lives that this mission is of the utmost importance.

With misty eyes, yet no regret, you crawl into your spaceship, fire up the engines, and set about transversing the vast cosmos of this galaxy through the use of mind-blowing technology that consumes a ridiculous amount of your planet's resources.

An eternity goes by. Countless light years are crossed.

Finally, mercifully, you reach your destination.

Earth.

It’s as beautiful as it was in your dreams.

You land your space craft in a place you're sure through your superior alien intuition none of these primitive Earth people will ever find it.

You're a fucking pro.

You GOT this.

Even though you'll never see your family again, you know they'd be proud.

Tears line your cheeks. You think of the statues that will be made in your honor.

Your time approaches.

Once out of your ship, you find a small cave.

Now you wait.

This is it.

The moment of your life.

Everything has been leading to this one perfect second…

You hear a rustling followed by approaching shadows. A couple of these Earth creatures come into view. All seven of your alien hearts are pumping at full speed.

This is going to be so fucking sweet.

The Earthing's reach the cave. They look inside. It's dark. They don't see you. Everything is going according to plan.

It’s your time to shine.

You jump out and make a bunch of weird noises as a flashlight exposes you completely.

The earthlings take off running.

You did it! Everything went exactly as planned. The exhilaration of the moment is overwhelming.

You bask in it.

Let the all the conflicting emotions overtake you.

It's pure bliss.

Hours go by. The adrenaline slowly subsides, leaving behind a tingling lust that reverberates throughout your entire body. Now that it's all over it feels as if a huge burden has been lifted. Your place in history is secure. You may now be the most accomplished being in all the known universe.

There's only one thing left to do.

The Earthlings are gone, surely hiding somewhere far off, basking in terror-piss.

There's no better time.

With thoughts bittersweet you take one last moment to reflect one your life; on all the long hours of planning with the greatest minds of your species; of the family you sacrificed for this.

Taking one final breath, you bite down on a poisoned capsule that replaced one of your teeth. Right before your body ignites into a billion subatomic explosions, you smile.

This was always meant to be a one-way trip.

Your body becomes flames. The flames become ash, quickly blow! away by a gentle breeze, until no evidence remains...

No evidence, EXCEPT THIS:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iD_RL2drKfg

Van Damme Fingering a Puppy

Perspective: You're sitting on the shore of a lake, wondering about the things you think normal people wonder about.

It's calming.

The waves are shallow.

Parents with their children paddleboat on a calm meniscus of slightly brownish water.

Maybe too brown.

The ground below you is not quite sand and not quite dirt, but it's OK. A blue frilled and overly washed beach towel featuring a cartoonish, bikinied lady protects you from getting that all too familiar sand itch inside a bathing suit you never really expected to use, in water you're pretty sure is two/thirds fish shit.

Life is good.

That's when he finds you.

It's Jean Claude Van Damme. He has a puppy and a look of unbelievable shame written across his face. Did he just get finished fingering that puppy? You don't know, but it would explain a lot.

In fact, it would explain everything.

You're too afraid to ask, though. All you wanted was a nice, relaxing day at the lake. What you got instead was a conundrum man was never meant to answer.

You look again. He's gone. Was he ever really there? You don't know.

Time passes.

Life goes on.

You get married. Have kids. But in the back of your mind, he's always there. In every alley way, in every car that passes you on the highway. Van Damme fingering a puppy is in the face of every person you see.

Eventually, you forget about it.

Then one night you're walking home from a bar at 2 AM. You hear a noise behind you. You turn. That's when he strikes. He was waiting for you. You never had a chance. The spin kicks and testicle punches are relentless.

That's when you know, and maybe a part of you always knew, Van Damme fingering a puppy was meant to be the last thing you would ever see.